I am terrified.
The edge of cliff is right there, just beyond my toes and I can see the merciless waves crashing against the sharply ragged rocks below. This is it.
Last night I enrolled in a Bachelor of Arts degree through Open Universities Australia. I can take up to ten years to complete my degree, which means I have plenty of time and don't have to face seeing a crowd of people who are just as nervous as me. I can do all my studying from home, or hospital should I need to be there. I can work as fast or as slowly as I'd like or can cope with.
Yet, I am terrified.
I am terrified because I've made a decision. There is something in making a decision that is permanent. It is final. The decision is made, the change is happening. Yes, the
change is now imminent. Am I ready for this change? Will I be able to accept this change and learn? Or will I fall to pieces like I always seem to do and fail?
While being terrified is one part of my current psyche, the other part of me is similar to a child in a candy store! I want everything and can't wait to get stuck into all the delicious, sugary goodness! I want it now,
now, damnit!
There are times I'd like to split myself in two and let each part run around equally like chickens with their heads cut off. Actually, that is a bad image, I personally don't really like the idea of a headless chook running around with blood and feathers exploding in a hundred different directions. Who comes up with these morbid images anyway? And people say Emo's are morbid.... *insert eye rolling here*
Anyway, the idea of splitting myself in two isn't an original one. Let's face it, there's the "boring bits" ad on tv currently. The only difference between me and the "boring bits" ad is that my whole life is boring, with the exception of my Twitter exploits. I'd like to say right now that if it weren't for Twitter I would probably be the most lonely person on the face of the planet.
Back to being terrified. How do you cope with something that is terrifying? I mean, there are people who jump right in and just get on with it. There are others who plan their way through a terrifying encounter. Then there are people like me who want to run, hide, scream, faint and everything else they can possibly do to avoid feeling the entire effect of being scared. I wouldn't recommend the latter as it's not only a bad way to lose weight (it doesn't work), but it puts a lot of stress on your body.
I am terrified.
