Slipping

My arms are tired, my palms are sweaty and my feet keep slipping off the rungs. I'm losing grip of the ladder.

Now to confuse the hell out of myself, and possibly you too, I am sad because I can feel myself being dragged back into the nasty "depressive" state. Yet, I am proud of myself for feeling it before I hit rock bottom.
I'm scared because I really don't want to slip back but it's happening before my eyes and, perhaps, more so because I'm aware of it.

I really want to ask for help but I have reservations.
In the past when I haven't been totally incoherent and "sick" and have asked for help I was ignored. I wasn't "sick enough" to be seen, heard or helped. Would it be different now?
If nothing has changed all that will happen is my complete inability to hold onto the rungs. I will fall back into the pit of ugly, horrible despair. Loneliness and alienation will then follow.

So what's the plan to hopefully slow the rate at which I fall? Maybe even stop the final horrid descent altogether?
I need to be kind to myself. I can't make others be kind to me, that's just a stupid thought as I don't deserve that. But I can be kind to myself.
I can tell myself it's okay to slip, it's okay to find it hard to cope. I can tell myself it's okay that I'm not perfect. I can remind myself that it will take a long time for me to be able to deal with all of this without help.
I can talk myself down from the ledge and remind that part of me that I can get through it. Even when I feel so powerless and pathetically weak. I can tell myself that others do not understand so their comments are not always valid; most aren't trying to deliberately hurt me.

I will see my shrink of Friday afternoon, I just have to make it until then. I can fall apart when I walk into his room. I can admit to him that my seemingly random thought about being in hospital may have been an even earlier awareness of my possible descent.
To confuse everyone more, I am sad for writing this and yet I feel that I have made a big change in my attitude. I doubt many will see it, but I do and that's all the matters.

Just remember, it's about how you treat yourself not how others treat you.

What I Like About Me

Raw emotions
Pretty eyes
Cute
Loyal
Friendly
Complicated and therefore interesting
Loving
Awkwardness
My heart is located on my sleeve
Crazy humour, mostly misunderstood
Considerate of others
My writing
Sensitive

I really like that I don't give up, even when I say I do and believe I do. I still find a way to get through it. Whatever "it" may be at the time.

There are other things, I just don't know what they are yet!

Bah Luvbug or Happy Valentine's

Usually I would hide under the covers and pretend today does not exist. I am usually more of a bah luvbug (thanks to @emlykd for that word!) kind of person. I know, you would never have guessed!

However, today the 14th February 2010 I am more of a Happy Valentine's Day kind of person. I have a Valentine this year. Indeed, something as small as having someone say to me "happy valentine's day" is able to make the corners of my mouth to twitch and eventually break into a grin to rival that of the Cheshire cat.

As humans we just want to be loved, whether we are loved by family, friends or a significant other. We crave that love, friendship and support that comes with someone being kind to us. I am no different, in some ways I'm more in tuned with that emotional side (even if it's not by choice!).

Having professed my love for being loved I'd like to make it clear I'm not so interested in the chocolate, flowers and presents that are apparently "required" on this day.
Personally, it is the thought that counts. It is the simplicity of someone saying to me "happy valentine's day" or wishing me well for this day.

So now I would like to share the love and wish everyone a lovely valentine's day! I hope everyone feels a little bit of happiness today, even if (like me) they are single.