Am I Crazy? - For Family and Friends

This is a quick post for the family and friends of someone who might (or suspected to) be suffering from a mental illness.

There are some things you can do to help the person you care about!

It's not all about the person suffering the mental illness, or the suspected sufferer. The help, love and support from those closest to us can help so much.

If you think your family member or friend is suffering from a mental illness:

• In absolutely no uncertain terms should you suggest to them that they have a problem!!! All that does is reinforce the person's belief that they are crazy, strange, weird, unnatural, broken etc.v

• Instead be creative, not patronising, and ask them how they feel, treat that person like you would any other day. They haven't grown a second head just because you might see something different about them.

• If the person is comfortable enough with you they will tell you honestly (or as honest as we feel we can be) how things are going.

• Listen to them. I don't mean the lame "half listening but too busy reading blogs or twittering" kind of listen. I mean the hard one, that so many people are unable to do. Listen to what the person is saying. Listen to their words. Take note of their body language (are they tapping fingers, breathing shallowly, withdrawn looking, hunched over etc) and pay attention to how they are dressed (is it normal for them to dress this way? Does it appear they haven't showered for longer than usual?). You don't need to get too obssessed with these things, just keep a bit of a mental note. A person who is crying out for help without actually saying the words, will show you in their actions, appearance and the words they choose to use.

• That does not mean it is your responsibility to make sure they're always breathing, happy, living etc. The only person who is responsible for that is the person with the illness or suspected illness. You can only be there to hold their hand through the darkest of times.

If the person confides in you:

• Please don't act shocked!! It's patronising, rude and will make the person recoil from you and even resent you.
  If you (and/or they) are comfortable with hugs, damn well hug them and tell them you will be there for them. Note: Don't say that last part if you have no intention of being there for them. You will only end up causing more stress and heartache.
  

• It is always a good idea to help the person find out more information, offer (if you can) to go with them to mental health facilities, GP or any other first step they decide to take. Having said that it doesn't mean you have to go into the GP appointment or anything, but having someone who will go with them and who will be there when they come out of the appointment is a huge confidence booster (even if it doesn't appear to be.)

• Try to establish some time each week (or day depending how much you can cope with) to "catch up". Just talking about random topics can be more help than you realise! It's a great way for the person with the illness/suspected illness to have a chance to feel "normal" for a little while. It also gives you the chance to reaffirm that the person you care about is still there!!

General things you can do:

• Make sure you look after yourself first! You're not going to be much help to your loved one or friend if you are run down or feeling the effects of being around them. I'm not going to say it's easy to be around someone with a mental illness/suspected illness. In fact I'm going to be honest, it's frustrating, infuriating, heartbreaking, stressful and tough. And the hardest part? Trying not to let the person you care about actually see or "feel" these emotions coming out of you.

• It's horrible because the person will most likely already feel like a burden, a lump of nothing or just useless (maybe all of them). If they even feel the slightest bit of "hard work" coming from you they can actually feel worse. So it is important to set aside plenty of time for yourself to either talk to others, join a support group or speak with a social worker yourself to debrief, vent and let go of some of the frustration.

• Make it known that there will be specific days or times when you are unavailable (it's best to set this up before and kind of dependency sets in) as you need to attend to your appointments, meet up with family/friends yourself or whatever it is you might need to do. Try to be as honest as possible without actually saying or hinting "I'm drained and need some time away from you". That can actually erase all the good work and support you've already given! (Funny that!)

• Listen!!!! LISTEN!!! LISTEN!!!! This is so important! It also teaches the other person to listen to you as well. Really, it's a win-win kind of thing.

• Make sure you don't give up your life to look after the person with the illness/suspected illness. It's not your job to wait on them hand and foot, to be there at their every beck and call. You are one person in a (hopefully) large group of people who will help and support this person. The person might be ill, but it doesn't mean they should get preferential treatment or be doted upon. Like spoiling children, it can lead to more hassles than it's worth!

There are heaps of sites and forums and local community groups for family and friends of people with a mental illness. The best thing you can do is learn about the illness, find support for yourself and/or family and be as supportive as possible for the person with the illness.

Cheers,

Raznay