You may have noticed certain changes in my attitude and, possibly, my writing.
This is easily explained. I'm changing. What was once good enough for me is no longer healthy. I have started asserting myself and, as such, I'm no longer accepting negative behaviour directed toward me. For some people these changes are too outrageous and they have decided to no longer be friends.
Normally this would make me sad. However, I am no longer sad over the decisions of other people.
Being honest with my own feelings has been liberating. Sometimes I really do not like what people say and instead of biting my tongue and mouthing platitudes I have been responding honestly.
I have to say, I like the direction my life is taking. It's exciting, honest and real.
Personally, I'm proud of my achievements recently and I will continue to stand by what I believe. Sorry folks, I'm no longer that weak little girl who was easily pushed and prodded. That little girl has found her voice, her confidence and her strength.
What I Like About Me
Raw emotions
Pretty eyes
Cute
Loyal
Friendly
Complicated and therefore interesting
Loving
Awkwardness
My heart is located on my sleeve
Crazy humour, mostly misunderstood
Considerate of others
My writing
Sensitive
I really like that I don't give up, even when I say I do and believe I do. I still find a way to get through it. Whatever "it" may be at the time.
There are other things, I just don't know what they are yet!
Pretty eyes
Cute
Loyal
Friendly
Complicated and therefore interesting
Loving
Awkwardness
My heart is located on my sleeve
Crazy humour, mostly misunderstood
Considerate of others
My writing
Sensitive
I really like that I don't give up, even when I say I do and believe I do. I still find a way to get through it. Whatever "it" may be at the time.
There are other things, I just don't know what they are yet!
The Outing
It does not matter what I do before hand to calm my nerves the actual act of going out is horrendous. Then when I am at the shops (or wherever) the panic is so potent it's like I've been kicked in the stomach.
If that wasn't bad enough, people stare at me.
Seriously, they stare. Not everyone granted (thank fuck for that), but enough to make me really uncomfortable. Now I have no idea why they are staring at me, but I assume it's not because they think I'm"hot".
Honestly, it doesn't even matter what they think. I just wish they'd stop staring. It's completely unnerving and totally unacceptable. I don't go around staring at people. Well, not all the time. And when I do I am careful not to be too obvious about it since I know how it feels. Also if I am caught staring I at least have the decency to stop!
Today was probably worse than most since I found out a "friend" deleted me from facebook. Oh, this happens to be the same person whom I tried to contact when I was really upset. And, the same one that apparently doesn't think I am good enough to even bother responding to. The funny thing is that I never, never, did or said anything even remotely confronting to him. So, umm, what the hell?
Right, I know it's probably not about me and that it's about him, maybe someone said something to him or maybe he just didn't like something I said on facebook, but this whole thing still upsets me. I don't like it when people delete me. I don't have a thick skin like some and that's not a bad thing.
It's also really rude since this person complained bitterly to me about people randomly taking him off their friends lists. Yet, he can do the same to someone else and that's okay? Talk about double standards.
So I found out the whole facebook bullshit before I went out. Way to make yourself feel good Renee. I know right, I'm definitely the sharpest knife in the drawer.
It was awful feeling like that. The whole trying to pretend I'm fine since I was with my mum while hoping like hell I don't see anyone I know since I've actually gained weight from that crazy migraine medication I was taking ages ago. Then there's the people staring at me, the kids screaming in front of me and trying their best to trip me up when they run like crazy little fuckers in front of me. You know what pisses me off about that? If I accidentally hit the little fucker I would be the biggest bitch in the world. I mean if I was window shopping and not completely watching where I was walking and one of the little fuckers ran in front of me and I knocked into it, I would be the one copping abuse. So don't fucking tell me I have to like the little fuckers running around in front of me. *Insert evil stare here*
Then there was the shop assistant from hell.
I walked into City Chic since that's about the only place I can shop in Australia and find things in my size that don't look like an old lady's antique floral covered chair upholstery. The shop assistant starts off by over zealously yelling "Hi ladies! How are you today?" I'm pretty sure the people walking past outside the shop looked to see if she were talking to them.
My mum replied since I was kind of running around grabbing a huge pile of stuff to try on. Okay, so it was three items and I wasn't really running, more like dawdling. Anyway, the shop assistant huffs loudly because we didn't yell back(?) and stomps, yes stomps, into the back room. I resist muttering "niceties" under my breath.
She returns from the depths of hell, I mean the back room and loudly yells at us "Is there anything specifically you're looking for?", to which mum replies "no thanks, we're just looking at the moment." Even I thought what mum said was pretty decent. Apparently not so with Ms. Huffy Stompy Pants. She huffs and stomps to the front counter.
Another customer came in and Ms. Huffy Stompy Pants greets them. This time she's not yelling at all but being really lovely and nice. What. The. Fuck.
I tell myself to breathe. This shop assistant is obviously kind of nuts if she thinks we're deaf, dumb and/or blind. I couldn't help it, I shot a glance her way. She was smiling at the new customer as if she were the nicest person on the face of the planet. I really didn't like Ms. Huffy Stompy Pants.
Roughly 5 minutes later I'm scrutinising the clothes on the other side of the shop trying to decide if I really like things. I'm not just fussy in second life! Ms. Huffy Stompy Pants yells out "Do you want me to put anything in the change rooms for you?", obviously she saw the nice little pile in my arms. I reply "no thanks, I'm still looking" and smile my best smile at her. If you've ever seen this smile it's one of a kind awesome. Again she huffs and stomps off. Seriously, wtf?
Anyway, I try on the clothes and decide on two items so we proceed to the front counter to pay. Ms. Huffy Stompy Pants is waiting for us. I groan, inwardly.
She takes the clothes and begins to scan the tags. All is going well. Then she reads out the price and something wasn't right, it wasn't expensive enough. Mum points this out and Ms. Huffy Stompy Pants starts huffing and rescanning the two items, finally satisfied she says "It must be on sale" in the most acidic tone I've ever heard. And let me tell you, after working for Telstra I've heard some really nasty tones.
Mum hands over my credit card (I buy too much stuff online if I have it in my possession) and we do all that fun stuff of signing etc.
Ms. Huffy Stompy Pants folds the items and bags them, hands me the bag and scowls at me while I'm politely saying "thank you".
We leave the shop.
Now what the hell was this woman's problem? I've never seen her before in my life nor had my mum or I said anything rudely or in a tone that was rude. She was perfectly fine to the other customers in the store and yet she treated us as if we were deaf and dumb.
If we had have been rude then I could totally understand where she was coming from. If we had have made a mess, spoke down to her, ignored her or anything like that I also would have understood her coolness towards us. Yet we didn't do anything other than enter "her" store to have a look.
Have you ever had this happen to you?
If that wasn't bad enough, people stare at me.
Seriously, they stare. Not everyone granted (thank fuck for that), but enough to make me really uncomfortable. Now I have no idea why they are staring at me, but I assume it's not because they think I'm"hot".
Honestly, it doesn't even matter what they think. I just wish they'd stop staring. It's completely unnerving and totally unacceptable. I don't go around staring at people. Well, not all the time. And when I do I am careful not to be too obvious about it since I know how it feels. Also if I am caught staring I at least have the decency to stop!
Today was probably worse than most since I found out a "friend" deleted me from facebook. Oh, this happens to be the same person whom I tried to contact when I was really upset. And, the same one that apparently doesn't think I am good enough to even bother responding to. The funny thing is that I never, never, did or said anything even remotely confronting to him. So, umm, what the hell?
Right, I know it's probably not about me and that it's about him, maybe someone said something to him or maybe he just didn't like something I said on facebook, but this whole thing still upsets me. I don't like it when people delete me. I don't have a thick skin like some and that's not a bad thing.
It's also really rude since this person complained bitterly to me about people randomly taking him off their friends lists. Yet, he can do the same to someone else and that's okay? Talk about double standards.
So I found out the whole facebook bullshit before I went out. Way to make yourself feel good Renee. I know right, I'm definitely the sharpest knife in the drawer.
It was awful feeling like that. The whole trying to pretend I'm fine since I was with my mum while hoping like hell I don't see anyone I know since I've actually gained weight from that crazy migraine medication I was taking ages ago. Then there's the people staring at me, the kids screaming in front of me and trying their best to trip me up when they run like crazy little fuckers in front of me. You know what pisses me off about that? If I accidentally hit the little fucker I would be the biggest bitch in the world. I mean if I was window shopping and not completely watching where I was walking and one of the little fuckers ran in front of me and I knocked into it, I would be the one copping abuse. So don't fucking tell me I have to like the little fuckers running around in front of me. *Insert evil stare here*
Then there was the shop assistant from hell.
I walked into City Chic since that's about the only place I can shop in Australia and find things in my size that don't look like an old lady's antique floral covered chair upholstery. The shop assistant starts off by over zealously yelling "Hi ladies! How are you today?" I'm pretty sure the people walking past outside the shop looked to see if she were talking to them.
My mum replied since I was kind of running around grabbing a huge pile of stuff to try on. Okay, so it was three items and I wasn't really running, more like dawdling. Anyway, the shop assistant huffs loudly because we didn't yell back(?) and stomps, yes stomps, into the back room. I resist muttering "niceties" under my breath.
She returns from the depths of hell, I mean the back room and loudly yells at us "Is there anything specifically you're looking for?", to which mum replies "no thanks, we're just looking at the moment." Even I thought what mum said was pretty decent. Apparently not so with Ms. Huffy Stompy Pants. She huffs and stomps to the front counter.
Another customer came in and Ms. Huffy Stompy Pants greets them. This time she's not yelling at all but being really lovely and nice. What. The. Fuck.
I tell myself to breathe. This shop assistant is obviously kind of nuts if she thinks we're deaf, dumb and/or blind. I couldn't help it, I shot a glance her way. She was smiling at the new customer as if she were the nicest person on the face of the planet. I really didn't like Ms. Huffy Stompy Pants.
Roughly 5 minutes later I'm scrutinising the clothes on the other side of the shop trying to decide if I really like things. I'm not just fussy in second life! Ms. Huffy Stompy Pants yells out "Do you want me to put anything in the change rooms for you?", obviously she saw the nice little pile in my arms. I reply "no thanks, I'm still looking" and smile my best smile at her. If you've ever seen this smile it's one of a kind awesome. Again she huffs and stomps off. Seriously, wtf?
Anyway, I try on the clothes and decide on two items so we proceed to the front counter to pay. Ms. Huffy Stompy Pants is waiting for us. I groan, inwardly.
She takes the clothes and begins to scan the tags. All is going well. Then she reads out the price and something wasn't right, it wasn't expensive enough. Mum points this out and Ms. Huffy Stompy Pants starts huffing and rescanning the two items, finally satisfied she says "It must be on sale" in the most acidic tone I've ever heard. And let me tell you, after working for Telstra I've heard some really nasty tones.
Mum hands over my credit card (I buy too much stuff online if I have it in my possession) and we do all that fun stuff of signing etc.
Ms. Huffy Stompy Pants folds the items and bags them, hands me the bag and scowls at me while I'm politely saying "thank you".
We leave the shop.
Now what the hell was this woman's problem? I've never seen her before in my life nor had my mum or I said anything rudely or in a tone that was rude. She was perfectly fine to the other customers in the store and yet she treated us as if we were deaf and dumb.
If we had have been rude then I could totally understand where she was coming from. If we had have made a mess, spoke down to her, ignored her or anything like that I also would have understood her coolness towards us. Yet we didn't do anything other than enter "her" store to have a look.
Have you ever had this happen to you?
Lucky
I'm extremely lucky. I am surrounded by amazingly talented, intelligent and creative people.
This makes me sad.
I adore everything they do. Their personalities just shine through in everything they put their minds too. Whatever the project it is always brilliantly executed and designed.
This makes me sad.
They are the nicest people I have ever met. They're genuine in their nice nature, not trying to be something they're not. They would never deliberately flaunt their amazingness. They are all beautiful and confident of themselves and their abilities. They shine with brilliance.
This makes me sad.
I am none of these things. I do not shine, I forget who I am on a daily basis, my talents are limited and faulty, I am awkward and strange, my personality doesn't shine through anything because I have to hide it.
I'm broken emotionally and have trouble not being nice, even when someone is being awful to me. I cry a lot and I don't like to share my stories. I'm not particularly good at anything, only basically good at some things. My ideas are hardly original and my humour is never understood. I have more bad days than good.
I am literally everything they are not.
This makes me sad.
This makes me sad.
I adore everything they do. Their personalities just shine through in everything they put their minds too. Whatever the project it is always brilliantly executed and designed.
This makes me sad.
They are the nicest people I have ever met. They're genuine in their nice nature, not trying to be something they're not. They would never deliberately flaunt their amazingness. They are all beautiful and confident of themselves and their abilities. They shine with brilliance.
This makes me sad.
I am none of these things. I do not shine, I forget who I am on a daily basis, my talents are limited and faulty, I am awkward and strange, my personality doesn't shine through anything because I have to hide it.
I'm broken emotionally and have trouble not being nice, even when someone is being awful to me. I cry a lot and I don't like to share my stories. I'm not particularly good at anything, only basically good at some things. My ideas are hardly original and my humour is never understood. I have more bad days than good.
I am literally everything they are not.
This makes me sad.
Shhhh, It's Oh So Quiet
If only it were nice and quiet in my head! So many things happened today that got my brain positively racing and now I can't shut the silly thing off.
I've been rather active and outspoken on some websites I'm part of and the responses are still making my blood boil. To be honest I think some people simply like to argue. It doesn't even matter what they're arguing about!
Okay, so I can be that person sometimes too.
In other news, I established today that I've spent a lot of time lately trying to be someone I'm not. I've been trying to say the "right" things to make people like me. Bloody hell, I thought I was passed all this bullshit! Maybe this is what some could refer to as "falling off the wagon".
Part of it is trying to figure out my place in a social setting. Since being diagnosed with depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder my whole life has revolved around my illnesses. I've been constantly aware of situations and how they would affect me and how I will inevitably leave the situation under bad circumstances. I have been so consumed with all the negative aspects of my illnesses and my subsequent failings that I've lost my ability to "fit in".
Before I was diagnosed I could fit into any situation. I could be the life of the party, the listener, the witty one, the cute one and the one that would stand up for my friends.
Now I have trouble being "social" in Second Life! And Second Life isn't even scary like real life! I can "hide" behind my avatar and still talk with a vast range of people. The problem is I'm not really "talking". Instead I'm panicking while desperately trying to figure out what is socially acceptable in any given situation! This is with pixel people. Can you imagine what I would be like in a real social setting!?
So that's my most recent challenge/awakening. I don't know how to be in social settings. I realise now I don't have to tell every person I meet I'm utterly crazy, but at the same time I find that people are hesitant around me because they can pick up on my resistance and socially awkward behaviour.
Back at square one. Great.
Well, all I can do is continue on my path to "recovery". I think the term remission is far more appropriate since my illnesses (and many other mental illnesses) will never be "cured".
I will live with this for the rest of my life. Yay.
I've been rather active and outspoken on some websites I'm part of and the responses are still making my blood boil. To be honest I think some people simply like to argue. It doesn't even matter what they're arguing about!
Okay, so I can be that person sometimes too.
In other news, I established today that I've spent a lot of time lately trying to be someone I'm not. I've been trying to say the "right" things to make people like me. Bloody hell, I thought I was passed all this bullshit! Maybe this is what some could refer to as "falling off the wagon".
Part of it is trying to figure out my place in a social setting. Since being diagnosed with depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder my whole life has revolved around my illnesses. I've been constantly aware of situations and how they would affect me and how I will inevitably leave the situation under bad circumstances. I have been so consumed with all the negative aspects of my illnesses and my subsequent failings that I've lost my ability to "fit in".
Before I was diagnosed I could fit into any situation. I could be the life of the party, the listener, the witty one, the cute one and the one that would stand up for my friends.
Now I have trouble being "social" in Second Life! And Second Life isn't even scary like real life! I can "hide" behind my avatar and still talk with a vast range of people. The problem is I'm not really "talking". Instead I'm panicking while desperately trying to figure out what is socially acceptable in any given situation! This is with pixel people. Can you imagine what I would be like in a real social setting!?
So that's my most recent challenge/awakening. I don't know how to be in social settings. I realise now I don't have to tell every person I meet I'm utterly crazy, but at the same time I find that people are hesitant around me because they can pick up on my resistance and socially awkward behaviour.
Back at square one. Great.
Well, all I can do is continue on my path to "recovery". I think the term remission is far more appropriate since my illnesses (and many other mental illnesses) will never be "cured".
I will live with this for the rest of my life. Yay.
The Honesty Project
If you have ever watched the Lie to Me, especially the first season, you would know there's a character who goes through a stage of telling absolutely no lies. Of course, this led to hilarity and some awkwardness since that kind of brutal honesty is such a foreign concept for people.
I've decided that I would like to be more honest. So many people say things to me that I don't want to hear and that I simply don't have the ability to respond to. They will tell me things that hurt me or that they should not be telling me at all. Sometimes I just get upset with the words used or the lack of communication.
From now on instead of responding with " :) " I'm going to start telling them that I have no comment, that what they said upset me or that I am unable to efficiently cope with their comments and will subsequently need to walk away, put my phone down or hang up the call.
Part of me is curious to see what reaction I will get. Part of me is scared beyond belief because I try to please everyone all the time and this decision sure as hell won't please anyone any of the time.
Look at this project like purging. I'm cleansing my conscience of all the things I hold inside, bottle up. Maybe you'd like to try it too?
Don't get me wrong this project doesn't mean I will be rude to people and use the "I'm just being honest" excuse. It's not about undermining anyone or pulling their safety rug out from under them. It's definitely not a "free pass" to say cruel things.
It's merely about expressing my honest reaction instead of closing up and ruminating about how much better your life is to my very lonely one. Again, let me stress, I'm not going to say anything to deliberately hurt you, make fun of you, degrade you or humiliate you.
If being honest does illicit that kind of response from you, I will be the first to apologise. Just know, however, that I won't take back what I have said.
This period may end up losing me friends, might make some friendships stronger or it might just alienate me from even more people. Either way, I need to be honest because the other option is getting me nowhere other than feeling more insane.
Feel free to test this honesty thing. You can ask me anything you like and I will reply without the confines of "socially acceptable lies". Keep in mind you shouldn't ask me anything you don't really want to know the answer to. Doing that will only result in your own hurt and I have no responsibility over your actions.
I've decided that I would like to be more honest. So many people say things to me that I don't want to hear and that I simply don't have the ability to respond to. They will tell me things that hurt me or that they should not be telling me at all. Sometimes I just get upset with the words used or the lack of communication.
From now on instead of responding with " :) " I'm going to start telling them that I have no comment, that what they said upset me or that I am unable to efficiently cope with their comments and will subsequently need to walk away, put my phone down or hang up the call.
Part of me is curious to see what reaction I will get. Part of me is scared beyond belief because I try to please everyone all the time and this decision sure as hell won't please anyone any of the time.
Look at this project like purging. I'm cleansing my conscience of all the things I hold inside, bottle up. Maybe you'd like to try it too?
Don't get me wrong this project doesn't mean I will be rude to people and use the "I'm just being honest" excuse. It's not about undermining anyone or pulling their safety rug out from under them. It's definitely not a "free pass" to say cruel things.
It's merely about expressing my honest reaction instead of closing up and ruminating about how much better your life is to my very lonely one. Again, let me stress, I'm not going to say anything to deliberately hurt you, make fun of you, degrade you or humiliate you.
If being honest does illicit that kind of response from you, I will be the first to apologise. Just know, however, that I won't take back what I have said.
This period may end up losing me friends, might make some friendships stronger or it might just alienate me from even more people. Either way, I need to be honest because the other option is getting me nowhere other than feeling more insane.
Feel free to test this honesty thing. You can ask me anything you like and I will reply without the confines of "socially acceptable lies". Keep in mind you shouldn't ask me anything you don't really want to know the answer to. Doing that will only result in your own hurt and I have no responsibility over your actions.
It Goes A Little Something Like This
I'm sitting on the couch, kind of bored, kind of tired, kind of hungry and kind of thinking I wouldn't mind having a chat. So I open the skype app on my phone and see who is online. The name at the top of my list looks good and I figure I haven't said hello in a while, which was rather rude of me. I tap the name, tap on "chat" and write "hey, how are you?"
Big. Freaking. Mistake.
I get sent a link. That's right, there was no greeting or any kind of pleasantry. Just a link.
As we all know I'm curious so I tap on the link. It's a newspaper article of a mother and child being killed in a crash. I couldn't read it. I mean, I'm not sad today or anything like that, but reading that article would have had me in tears and feeling generally awful. Knowing what the article is about was enough to make my gut wrench.
I closed the article and felt a burst of anger. What kind of person sends something so morbid? No explanation, no hello, not a damn word. So I tell him that I really didn't need to see that.
Finally, I get a response "that was my aunty and cousin."
Jaw. Drops. On. Floor.
Shit.
I say the only thing I can say "I'm so sorry for your loss." Hey, don't look at me like that, it's not like I can give him a hug and let him cry on my shoulder! He's nowhere near me.
The conversation basically ends there. Fair enough.
Anyway, I got to thinking about this person and how, forgetting today as there was a real issue, he always makes me feel awful. Every single time I speak with him he asks if we can be together, tells me that he loves me, wants to hug me and do other things which I'm not really keen on doing with someone I've never met and am not likely ever to meet. Then the conversation ends. I shouldn't even really call it a conversation.
I suppose a normal person would be flattered. I'm not normal. I find it rather insulting, to be honest. He doesn't know me, has only ever seen my skype profile picture and doesn't tell me anything about him. Yeah, I'm really flattered. *Insert lashings of sarcasm here*
The other night I tried to actually have something like a conversation with him. I spoke about a movie coming out that I would love to go and see. Yep, that wasn't even worthy of a response from him apparently. Instead, he says "my life is shit." Okay, let's talk about that then, maybe I can help just by listening. Again I was wrong. I asked him why it was shit, to which he doesn't reply. Well, maybe he just doesn't want to talk about it. I'm cool with that, I know what it's like not to want to talk.
Thirty minutes pass before he says anything "I wish you were here".
I got angry at this point. Saying shit like that is not a conversation. It's not something I want to hear and he knows that because I've told him.
I'm not being very concise here, let me just say that every "conversation" with this guy has been exactly the same. He whines about wanting to be with me and then proceeds not to talk with me. Yeah mate, that really makes me want you. Fuck. Off.
I'm always left feeling like my good mood has been leeched from me. Which, coincidentally, it has been.
Well, mate, thanks for everything but I'm going to block you now.
I'm not a damn toy he can play with to amuse himself. If he really wanted me like he said, he would have listened when I said "I'd like to get to know you as friends." Apparently that kind of thing is so ridiculous it doesn't even warrant a response.
Conversations are the most crucial part of getting to know someone, especially for me. If you don't want to talk to me that's fine, but don't expect me to hang around just for your amusement.
Big. Freaking. Mistake.
I get sent a link. That's right, there was no greeting or any kind of pleasantry. Just a link.
As we all know I'm curious so I tap on the link. It's a newspaper article of a mother and child being killed in a crash. I couldn't read it. I mean, I'm not sad today or anything like that, but reading that article would have had me in tears and feeling generally awful. Knowing what the article is about was enough to make my gut wrench.
I closed the article and felt a burst of anger. What kind of person sends something so morbid? No explanation, no hello, not a damn word. So I tell him that I really didn't need to see that.
Finally, I get a response "that was my aunty and cousin."
Jaw. Drops. On. Floor.
Shit.
I say the only thing I can say "I'm so sorry for your loss." Hey, don't look at me like that, it's not like I can give him a hug and let him cry on my shoulder! He's nowhere near me.
The conversation basically ends there. Fair enough.
Anyway, I got to thinking about this person and how, forgetting today as there was a real issue, he always makes me feel awful. Every single time I speak with him he asks if we can be together, tells me that he loves me, wants to hug me and do other things which I'm not really keen on doing with someone I've never met and am not likely ever to meet. Then the conversation ends. I shouldn't even really call it a conversation.
I suppose a normal person would be flattered. I'm not normal. I find it rather insulting, to be honest. He doesn't know me, has only ever seen my skype profile picture and doesn't tell me anything about him. Yeah, I'm really flattered. *Insert lashings of sarcasm here*
The other night I tried to actually have something like a conversation with him. I spoke about a movie coming out that I would love to go and see. Yep, that wasn't even worthy of a response from him apparently. Instead, he says "my life is shit." Okay, let's talk about that then, maybe I can help just by listening. Again I was wrong. I asked him why it was shit, to which he doesn't reply. Well, maybe he just doesn't want to talk about it. I'm cool with that, I know what it's like not to want to talk.
Thirty minutes pass before he says anything "I wish you were here".
I got angry at this point. Saying shit like that is not a conversation. It's not something I want to hear and he knows that because I've told him.
I'm not being very concise here, let me just say that every "conversation" with this guy has been exactly the same. He whines about wanting to be with me and then proceeds not to talk with me. Yeah mate, that really makes me want you. Fuck. Off.
I'm always left feeling like my good mood has been leeched from me. Which, coincidentally, it has been.
Well, mate, thanks for everything but I'm going to block you now.
I'm not a damn toy he can play with to amuse himself. If he really wanted me like he said, he would have listened when I said "I'd like to get to know you as friends." Apparently that kind of thing is so ridiculous it doesn't even warrant a response.
Conversations are the most crucial part of getting to know someone, especially for me. If you don't want to talk to me that's fine, but don't expect me to hang around just for your amusement.
Really, Who Has An Hiatus These Days?
When you're as special as I am an hiatus is essential.
Every so often I need to take a break. I've been through all this before, so I won't bore you with all the details.
My hiatus was very eventful, well, depending on your definition of "eventful". Mostly I spent my time just trying to breathe and trying to tread the black watery depths of depression.
I watched tv in a desperate attempt to fool my brain into believing everything is okay. Unfortunately my attempt didn't work as well as planned since everything I watched made me angry and resentful. It wasn't fair to me that everyone would always have a happy ending! And don't even get me started on the commercials.
At one point, lasting about two weeks, I was devastatingly low. All I could think about, night and day, were the ways in which I wanted to die. I was so obssessed with the idea of my death I started to make plans. One day I'd had enough and I tried numerous ways to end it all. Each attempt failed, obviously since I'm writing this post now.
The failures made everything worse.
I kept spiralling out of control.
The depression was kicked off by the event, mentioned in my previous post, followed closely by some incredibly harsh and unproductive text messages sent to me. Some people really know how to kick you when you're down.
I did try and reach out to one person while I was spiralling down, however that person declined to respond to my text or email. Actually, I think I may have sent two emails a week or so apart. Anyway, that person obviously thought I wasn't worth it and at the time I happened to agree with them.
Now, I'm okay. I'm not great, I'm not "over" it all and I'm sure not happy. But at least I'm not suicidal at the moment. In my world, this is something to celebrate.
Some people just need to take a break, close off and live in their own little worlds until things blow over. Many of you won't, and can't, understand this need to be alone. That's fine by me as long as you don't try to tell me what I should and should not do during that time.
Every so often I need to take a break. I've been through all this before, so I won't bore you with all the details.
My hiatus was very eventful, well, depending on your definition of "eventful". Mostly I spent my time just trying to breathe and trying to tread the black watery depths of depression.
I watched tv in a desperate attempt to fool my brain into believing everything is okay. Unfortunately my attempt didn't work as well as planned since everything I watched made me angry and resentful. It wasn't fair to me that everyone would always have a happy ending! And don't even get me started on the commercials.
At one point, lasting about two weeks, I was devastatingly low. All I could think about, night and day, were the ways in which I wanted to die. I was so obssessed with the idea of my death I started to make plans. One day I'd had enough and I tried numerous ways to end it all. Each attempt failed, obviously since I'm writing this post now.
The failures made everything worse.
I kept spiralling out of control.
The depression was kicked off by the event, mentioned in my previous post, followed closely by some incredibly harsh and unproductive text messages sent to me. Some people really know how to kick you when you're down.
I did try and reach out to one person while I was spiralling down, however that person declined to respond to my text or email. Actually, I think I may have sent two emails a week or so apart. Anyway, that person obviously thought I wasn't worth it and at the time I happened to agree with them.
Now, I'm okay. I'm not great, I'm not "over" it all and I'm sure not happy. But at least I'm not suicidal at the moment. In my world, this is something to celebrate.
Some people just need to take a break, close off and live in their own little worlds until things blow over. Many of you won't, and can't, understand this need to be alone. That's fine by me as long as you don't try to tell me what I should and should not do during that time.