Shhhh, It's Oh So Quiet

If only it were nice and quiet in my head! So many things happened today that got my brain positively racing and now I can't shut the silly thing off.

I've been rather active and outspoken on some websites I'm part of and the responses are still making my blood boil. To be honest I think some people simply like to argue. It doesn't even matter what they're arguing about!
Okay, so I can be that person sometimes too.

In other news, I established today that I've spent a lot of time lately trying to be someone I'm not. I've been trying to say the "right" things to make people like me. Bloody hell, I thought I was passed all this bullshit! Maybe this is what some could refer to as "falling off the wagon".
Part of it is trying to figure out my place in a social setting. Since being diagnosed with depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder my whole life has revolved around my illnesses. I've been constantly aware of situations and how they would affect me and how I will inevitably leave the situation under bad circumstances. I have been so consumed with all the negative aspects of my illnesses and my subsequent failings that I've lost my ability to "fit in".
Before I was diagnosed I could fit into any situation. I could be the life of the party, the listener, the witty one, the cute one and the one that would stand up for my friends.
Now I have trouble being "social" in Second Life! And Second Life isn't even scary like real life! I can "hide" behind my avatar and still talk with a vast range of people. The problem is I'm not really "talking". Instead I'm panicking while desperately trying to figure out what is socially acceptable in any given situation! This is with pixel people. Can you imagine what I would be like in a real social setting!?

So that's my most recent challenge/awakening. I don't know how to be in social settings. I realise now I don't have to tell every person I meet I'm utterly crazy, but at the same time I find that people are hesitant around me because they can pick up on my resistance and socially awkward behaviour.
Back at square one. Great.

Well, all I can do is continue on my path to "recovery". I think the term remission is far more appropriate since my illnesses (and many other mental illnesses) will never be "cured".
I will live with this for the rest of my life. Yay.