This is a much more personal entry. I thought about putting it in myjournal, but think it might be best to share it in my Mental Health Blog. Some people who read the blog don't have any kind of mental disorder and don't know how the mood changes, circumstances and just life can affect one such as me.
At first I was travelling along the recovery road okay, a few bumps and little pebbles occassionally getting in the way, but nothing major to derail my little wagon. Then one day the weather changed and the clouds came rolling in, dark mean clouds filled with thunder, lightening and hail. At first I thought I would be able to make it to some shelter before the storm hit, but as I tried to pull my wagon along the road the heavens opened and rain came crashing to the ground. The road I was trying to hurry along turned to mud and my wagon got stuck; no matter how hard I pushed or pulled it was stuck. I fell over a couple of times trying to get my wagon to move again, and each time I got back up and tried to keep going.
Finally the rain turned to heavy drops, the temperature declined and those heavy drops turned into hail. The storm was finally over head. I looked at my wagon, sighed, and left it in the middle of the road while running off to search for shelter.
People watched from their doorways, or peeped out through their windows, but no one stopped to help me. Finally I found shelter, but it was too late. I was soaked, bruised and battered from the hail. I was filled with anger because no one helped and I wasn't good enough to move my wagon on my own. I sat down in the mud and cried, wishing that I had something with which to end my life.
This little story won't mean much to most people. It is the few people who do understand my story that I feel for and want to help in any way I can.
For those that don't understand it, let me write it in a plain way which might help you understand what I'm actually talking about.
Over the last few days (as far as I can tell it's been about a week) my mood has slowly been going down. I've been losing incentive to do all the things I wanted to do and I have felt more tired than usual. Mys leeping pattern started to go a little haywire and, as such, my routine got thrown to the sideline. For someone with a mental illness routine and healthy sleep patterns are pretty much gold. The routine is to help maintain movement and actions (like getting up, making breakfast, having a shower, going to work) and the sleep pattern is paramount to being able to rest the body (and therefore mind) so it is easier to continue the routine.
As my mood has been going down, so has my patience, tolerance and ability to keep my anxiety under control. Instead I have become grumpy, mean, frightened and unable to move (lethargic). The decrease of movement also makes me angry at myself for not being able to control my body and not being able to control my disorder. This is unhealthy. I can't "control" my disorder, I can only manage it. So that starts another bout of anger at not being able to manage and therefore control my disorder.
Confused yet?
As well as the mood. other circumstances have taken place (beyond my control) which have affected me extremely deeply and caused a further descent into darkness. Some of my friends will have seen the abusive text message I received , but probably didn't realise it was what actually pushed me over the edge of the cliff.
People can be cruel and think that harming others is the way to make them feel better. It's not any way to behave and I don't take kindly to being physically threatened. (Which leads me to ponder why I that person who sent me the text message would think physical violence would solve anything? I mean, I wish to not exsist, so being threatened doesn't actually scare me. To be honest I see it as a challenge into making that other person even more angry so they do the job properly.)
Anyway, after receiving the ovely messaged my faith in people started to shatter. Not just because of one person, but because this one person is just another body to the already numerous ones that have proven to me time and time again that people are cruel and do not care about anything other than themselves.
My faith in humanit ybeing cracked, I tried to ignore it, remind myself not everyone is like that and just get on with it. I went to the shopping centre the other day to get my eyebrows waxed. Yes, I take pleasure in the pain caused by waxing because it is something "normal" people do.
I was walking through the centre to the beauty salon, when I fell. I fell badly and my things went sprawling all over the floor. My ankle was twisted badly, my knee on the verge of dislocation and my wrist sprained. Not one person stopped to help me or ask if I was okay. Nevermind that there was a crack, thud and the sound of stuff sliding along the floor. Nevermind the woman standing about two metres away from me watching it all with an amused grin on her face.
I immediately had to wonder: "If I was thin and pretty would everyone have jumped to my aid". The only answer I can come up with is "YES".
I picked everything up, myself included, and hobbled (ankle was twisted very badly) the few steps to the beauty salon. My humiliation and anger complete I nearly had a panic attack while laying on the bed thing to get my eyebrows ripped out of my head.
Where is the kindness people assure me is there? Am I not worthy of said kindness? If so, why am I not worthy? If someone fell in front of me (and they have in the past), I would (and have) go to their aid to make sure they're okay. I have never (and would never) just stand there smirking at someone else's misfortune.
Does that mean I am an easy target for users because I at least try to care about other people and to try and put them first and help them if I can??
The whole situation makes me so angry still. The bruises and strains I've now got only further my anger at the cruelty, rude, arrogant bastards that think it's okay to watch someone fall and not help.
If YOU were one of those people who just watched, I pity you. I pity you because you have no decency, no morality and surely no conscience. It is NOT FUNNY to see someone else in pain. Physical or otherwise.
You have no right to treat people in such a disgusting way. Would YOU like them to treat you that way? No, I didn't think so.
Sorry, anger back under check.
My faith in humanity is assuredly destroyed. People only seem to care online, because they needn't do anything but write. They do not need to be there, to hug, to hold, to listen or to hear. They can just respond and feel like they've achieved something.
Sometimes they do, it is ALWAYS nice to hear good things and know that people care. What I am now having trouble with is believing that these people really care, or if they're just doing their duty to keep karma off their backs.
(I realise there are probably spelling errors, I will correct them later. No need to email me or message me to point them out.)
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