Over it

I've realised so much in the last few days. One thing is the latest near breakdown I'm sort of having. Okay, so that doesn't make a lot if sense.
Basically since my last botched hospital attempt I've been on a tightrope, desperately trying to keep my balance. Lately I've realised that I've been falling for a couple of weeks. Falling hopelessly into yet another black hole.

Then there's the part where I tried to pretend everything is fine. I put on the smile and say "sure you can stay here!" instead of really saying "I'm feeling like shit and can't cope with people here right now". I guess I worry that my friend won't understand. It doesn't matter if I'm not feeling well, as long as they are happy.
Now I wonder if they really are happy if I'm breaking apart?
Do they notice?

There is such a sweetness in escaping reality. If only I could escape it permanently! Oh, right, because that's not allowed. I seem to always forget that little part.

Anyway, I guess I have to suck it up and find some way of dealing with all this. Well, at least finding a way to tell my friend that I need her to stay with someone else while up here. I'm struggling with not having my space. I'm totally not coping with anything right now. In fact I'm very close to driving myself to hospital... Or doing something else. I guess another few weeks in a psych ward wouldn't be so bad. I hope. Maybe?