I want out

Strange images. Thoughts of death. A burning desire to cut myself just to see if I bleed.

It's all very macabre for others. For me, however, it is what I think about every day. I even dream about it.
I'm told these thoughts are not normal. Who determines what is and what isn't normal?
Perhaps some people are just not meant to be alive and they, like myself, feel the lingering pull of silence. Of death.

Sure, I get told that I just need to find a purpose in life. What if my purpose is to die? Why is it so unacceptable that I don't want to feel the burden of being alive? Is it not my choice? Is it not my life and therefore I can do with it as I please?

I'm tired of talking. I talk to my psychiatrist twice a week and still nothing is resolved. Nothing is even slightly better. In fact, if I'm honest, things are actually worse now. I hurt more than ever because I know more now than I ever did. I remember more than I've ever wanted to remember.

I've begun cutting ties. Deleted people from my life. One by one. I want so much for this pathetic life to be over. I mean so many people can see I'm a horrible person, they tell me so more often than I care to admit. So why should I endure the torment just for the sake of "life"?

Humans really are a cruel race. Liars, cheaters, abusers, murderers, rapists and worse fill this bleak world. I seem to have come in contact with all of them at one time or another. Except the murderer.
People swear there is love to be thankful for. God's love, the love of another or the love a parent has for their child. What I don't understand is if there's so much love out there, why is it so unattainable for some people?
Like a dog chasing its tail, the love is always beyond their grasp.

I don't want to live in this world of hatred, of cruelty any longer. I want to be free from the constraints of the farce that is life.

Make it all go away.