Approval

Time and time again I find myself seeking approval; family, friends and even strangers on the Internet must approve of me and the things I do.

Truly, I'd like to declare my non-conformity and assert a don't-give-a-fuck attitude, but the reality is vastly different. I do care and I do strive towards those holy grail of words "you did well."

I shall now spend the rest of this post with my head hanging in shame.

From some psychology-esque readings people of all walks of life also crave approval from their family and peers. With this in mind I should really be rejoicing; I'm not alone in this. However, I am not comforted by this idea.

In my life my interaction with "real" people is minimal, by choice. The stress of social etiquette and niceties do not really sit well with me. I find those niceties to be no more than socially acceptable lies and I, personally, find that institution revolting. So, if I have so much animosity for the "general" public why on earth should I care if they approve of me or not? Surely in my escapades to free myself from the constraints of socially acceptable lies I would have developed a self reliance, independence and/or the confidence to approve of myself. Apparently this whole concept has completely escaped my attention.

I have to laugh when I realise that even this post will allow my insecurities to flourish as I wait for comments, replies or emails of approval. Truly, it's a cruel cycle.

Of course there is only one thing to do to help quell this insatiable and ridiculous need for approval. I must learn to approve of myself and my abilities so others approval is less potent. Indeed, another facet of my fractured personality that my psychiatrist will have to help me remedy. I feel rather sorry for the poor guy, just don't tell him.