That Woman

It's always bad when I start to think. The latest thoughts are no exception.

I was having a shower and started thinking about how I'll be nearly 40 before I can "live" my life. I know I have explained this before, but I'll reiterate for the sake of continuity. Since I've been "sick" for the vast majority of my life and have only had 1.5 years of intense therapy it is assumed that "recovery" will take half as long as the current length of illness. Basically, if you're like me and have easily been sick for 21 years of your life, it'll take roughly 10 years of therapy and treatment to "get better". Of course this is only a guide and some people will take shorter or longer times to get better.
Personally, I am at a disadvantage with my mental illnesses because it's very hard to treat. Indeed, I've spent many blogs explaining how psychologists and psychiatrists are reluctant to treat me because of the higher statistics of relapse. And by "relapse" I mean the amount of times we try to commit suicide.
So basically, what this all means is that my life, all at my own fault for not being stronger, will amount to nothing.

This train of thought then led to the realisation that I am not special in any way. I'm not the smartest, funniest, prettiest nor am I a high achiever, goal orientated nor have I ever finished anything I set out to do. The latter can be explained in terms of validity and severe self confidence issues.
Anyway, I'm not the person people remember, I'm not an amazing writer or artist, I have no qualifications or skills other than knowing how to be sick.
In short, my life is pointless. By the time I'm in a stable enough place in my life I won't be able to achieve anything anymore. Right now I even struggle staying interested in twitter!

I'm the person that is going absolutely nowhere. The person who won't amount to anything because it requires being able to concentrate, finish projects and study and it requires stability.

These are all the things I'm not really meant to think about. It's hopeless and pathetic and it leads to certain "foolish" acts that one day can not be undone. Yet, when the thoughts are there it's not like I have a remote control to turn them off. I have to listen to them over and over. Even when I'm deliberately trying to ignore, avoid, distract myself from them.

I'm the woman who missed out on a good education because I was too busy being neurotic, even as a child.
I even remember crying in grade 1 when I didn't get a perfect mark the first time I did something.
I was that kid who never really smiled.
I was that kid who went home terrified that I'd done something wrong and that my mother would find out about it; I never did anything wrong.

I'll be that woman who people feel sorry for but don't ever know what to say, to her. And all because I wasn't a strong enough person to overcome my illnesses.