I haven't written a lot on here in the last couple of days. I fear I have neglected my duties as a good host, please forgive me.
My last journal entry revealed my severe lack of confidence in both my abilites and my determination to make this site sucessful. I have thought a lot about it during my small absence and have come to realise that my mental illness is actually able to take over my entire being and speak through me. That may sound a little strange, I apologise to those who are currently wondering what the hell I am talking about. Let me attempt to explain this here properly.
We all have an inner voice which guides us, which we hear when we think etc. Some people call it their conscience, I'm a little less sure mine would be classed as a conscience given that mine is rather horrible and self destructive.
Anyway, some people are even able to differentiate between their positive voice and their negative voice (I'm trying to keep this really simple, it's a little more complicated than this, so apologies to those who know what I'm talking about).
My "negative" voice has been shaped and is controlled by my mental illness (borderline personality disorder, depression and anxeity), which means that the voice is always negative towards me. This voice is the one that screams its abuse at me whenever I try and do anything. (Yes, indeed, even getting up out of bed usually results in conflict because "negative" would rather see me stay in bed and be pathetic.)
To some degree everyone has this negative voice, when we feel self doubt, self loathing or even lack of confidence. It's this voice that whispers something which makes you freeze up, panic, get angry, cry or even just hide. However, most people are able to control this feeling and either do whatever it is they're told they can't do or just ignore the voice altogether.
Other people, like myself, have heard this voice for so long it actually drowns out the positive voice. I think the negative voice has actually thrown my positive voice into a locked box inside my head where it can't even be heard. I don't even have positive thoughts towards myself at all. Perhaps in a journal entry I will spend time writing down what my negative voice tells me.
The point of this post today is to let you know that, sometimes, those of us who are sick really do think differently and feel differently to other people. A lot of what I think and feel, others do not. A lot of the things I think about myself are not shared by others, even if I expect them to be. While I might know these things it's a different matter entirely to believe these things.
If you feel that your "negative" voice is taking over, have a talk with someone you feel comfortable with and ask them if they think the same things about you.
Bear in mind it may not mean you have a mental illness, sometimes we all just need a little help to bring the negative things under control.
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