Get It

People who aren't stuck with an illness like mine just don't get it. I think I'm more angry that it's so easy for them. I mean they don't get it, don't understand it. They don't live with it or think about it like I do. They get a break from it!!
Where the fuck is my break? Oh and don't for one minute say hospital is a break. The amount of work I have to do in here is more than some people will ever do in their lives. No I'm not fucking kidding either.

I'm so sick of all of it. Let me put this simply, without sugar coating it... I fucking hate my life, I fucking well hate me and I absolutely fucking hate that I'm sick. Short version = I wish I were dead. Don't give me that look or that bullshit about how we did stuff and I had fun. Yeah sure, I've enjoyed myself but those are one offs.

You still don't get it?

Let me break it down for you.
When I'm on my own I am sad, I remember all the shit about me, life and the world that I hate. This means I'm almost always in a low state of being.
Now, when I do manage to see friends or whatever I feel good. In fact compared to what I usually feel, it's almost a kind of manic high.
So what happens when I find myself alone again and the high subsides?

Oh. My. God.

You get it now?

No?

Okay, I'm on my own, left to my own devices, and I'm coming down off a high from seeing people. All of a sudden everything seems a million times worse than before. It's bigger, darker and more painful than before.

Why do you think I try to avoid seeing people? The after effects are too much. Yeah it's great seeing you, but you have to go at some stage!! That's when the bullshit has free reign. By then I'm too tired to fight it, I've been fighting it the whole time I've been with you.
Haha you kid yourself if you truly believe it's not plaguing me even when I'm with you.

Anyway, I'm finding it too hard being around or talking to non-fucked-up-people right now.
All I want is to be dead.
Oh right, apparently that's not an option. Fine, I'll deal with being in bed cuddling Titan. Least then I don't need to explain myself to people, or have to do anything. Titan just accepts without question. Humans can't do that.