The Short Straw

I can't write on my website because it's not phone friendly so instead I will write here while I'm in hospital. I'll probably transfer this to my site when I'm out, but I may be too lazy by then.

I just want to put it out there, that having a mental illness sucks. Really. Everything is so much harder. Sometimes I think even breathing is harder for me. Maybe it is and no one really pays attention. It wouldn't be the first time!!

So I mentioned in a status message earlier that I might write here. I was writing in my journal (best way to help process everything!) when I started to write about something I wasn't aware of being affected by.
Some of you know I used to play Second Life (SL) and some of you are aware that prior to my leaving SL I was in a relationship with someone from the game. In game, he and I were partnered (don't ask if you don't play SL, it's too hard to explain!!) on both our main accounts and as our alts. When I left SL and deleted my avatars I didn't end the partnership. I figured Linden Labs would do that automatically. Turns out they don't.
The other day I received two emails from Linden Labs telling me I was dumped.
I need to say here that he and I split in late May or early June, so it's taken him a few months to end the partnership. It's not like it happened instantly in a callous way. So why did it hurt me so badly? I very nearly crumbled into a weak, useless heap when I saw the emails.
That has got to be pathetic. I mean it's been months since I've even spoken to him or thought about him!! Now, well, I wonder if I hurt him. I wonder if I was so horrible he was upset. I feel guilty for not being better and being able to have a stable relationship. My memory could be totally crap but I remember a lot of good things he did for me. He did teach ne how to begin to trust people. That's something. In fact it's huge!
Still, it hurts. I feel guilty. I feel inadequate. I feel useless.
I wonder why I bother trying to get help. What if it doesn't work and I end up crashing straight away instead of getting better? Yeah, yeah I shouldn't play the "what if" game. Sometimes I think about things too much and the "what if" game just sort of starts.

Anyway, I've had that on my mind all day, well after writing in my journal. I know it will upset some people to read this. I'm not sure I can truly apologise for that right now, but rest assured when I have room for more guilt I will apologise profusely.

Well that's it. It's 8pm and I can have medication now. I might ask for a good dose so I can be knocked out and can sleep off my useless mood.