Anyway, I had strange dreams again. This in itself is not unusual as my night time medication is known to cause some spaced-out-vivid-dreams. The only time I really pay attentin to these dreams is when they actually seem to have some kind of meaning to a situation in my life.
Instead of my usual angry-blood-everywhere-fake-movie-style-actionesque-dream I had an experience that really hit home. It was a very clear indication that something I had chosen to do in the last week was, in fact, the right thing to do.
Perhaps it might help if I explain a little bit of the dream.
She's sitting in the car, but at the same time she's reclining in the seat, almost laying down. Her back is to the driver. The window is open and she's playing with the feeling of the air rushing through her fingers.
She won't look at the driver even though he won't shut up. He just keeps talking and talking. She doesn't even know what he's talking about anymore.
He says something that makes her tense her entire body. She's not even sure what exactly he said. Maybe it was just his tone?
She holds onto the handle on the door, gripping it so tightly her hands hurt. She wants to be anywhere but with this man. He makes her uncomfortable. He tells her things she doesn't want to know.
Finally she hears something he says "You're the reason I wake up in the morning"
She shudders. This is not right. Doesn't he know that he's making her uncomfortable? Doesn't he pay any attention at all?
She pulls herself closer to the door, ready to escape.
When will this drive be over?
She just wants to be safe away from him.
The dream was like I was watching it, yet I could feel the emotions of the girl (me). Fear.
Pure and simple, fear. Debilitating fear. It was like being trapped, a caged animal unable to do anything other than what the captor wanted.
The feelings are still with me. It still scares me, but I know that dream is indicative of what I did feel and what I would have felt had I not done what I needed to do.
As cruel as this will sound, I am glad I listened to myself and not did "what was right" for other people.
No, this was about me and where I am in my life. Right now, I don't want someone who needs me more than I need them. Sorry, that's just the way it is.
Independence.
Who would have thought I would ever become Independent?
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