A question of sexuality

I won't be adding this entry on my website. This is kind of private, yet not. I still want to talk about it because it's confusing me lately.

Perhaps I could spend the majority of the entry dancing around the issue and perhaps you'll understand what I'm saying. There are far too many "perhaps" in that sentence. I guess I'll just be blunt and see how that goes.

I just wonder...

Okay lately I have been struggling with a new thought. Oh. My. God. A new thought?! Me?! Never!

I'm 25. I feel old. I have grey hairs, a lot of them and no matter how many times people tell me it's because of stress it never makes me feel any better. I always thought I was "straight", at least I just went along with that. Isn't that what people do?

Now, however, I'm finding that I may not be exactly as I thought. I am still attracted to men. I just find I'm more attracted to women. I think.
For instance, I'm on so many medications, therapies etc that I don't know who, what or where I am. Does this now include my sexuality?

This isn't a big deal for lots of people. I mean some of my friends (yes on Twitter) are gay, lesbian or bi. I love them dearly, no not because of their sexual orientation, I love them because of who they are. They make me laugh and allow me to be part of their lives, if only in 140 characters or less.

So it begs the question, why is this such a big deal for me?
Perhaps it ties in with everything else in my head. I've had this idea of who people want me to be. It seems that I just do what others want. It's part of learning how to please people so they don't actually notice you. Fun stuff right there.
So now I find that having my own thoughts, my own REAL thoughts, is a little scary. Okay, so it's a lot scary. I'm terrified.

Every single day I think something new. I learn something new about me. A realisation may walk up to me and hit me so hard in the face I swear it leaves a hand print. It's very hard to accept, to process, when all these things are coming at you.

How do I cope with this as well as being nucking futs? (fucking nuts to the uninitiated.) This is not just something small. It is, indeed, an entire identity adjustment.

Who the fuck am I and why do I feel like I'm being torn in 50 different directions?