Emotional Merry-Go-Round

Sometimes I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to step off the merry-go-round. At times it spins so fast the word is nothing but a blur, speeding past too fast for me to be part of. Then it slows, almost to a stop, and I suddenly feel dizzy and fall down. However, I never seem to regain my composure fast enough to step off the ride before it all starts spinning again.

At this very moment the merry-go-round is at a standstill. I'm clinging to the bars so tightly because if I let go the dizziness will consume me. Yet, somewhere, in the back of my mind a logical voice tells me that if I let go I will be okay...

The merry-go-round came to a standstill during the very early hours of Sunday morning. I woke up due to a tremendous pain in the upper right quadrant of my torso. The pain was akin to what I imagine being stabbed would feel like.

Three hours pass and the pain is just as persistent as when I had woken up. The medication my doctor had told me to take was having no effect.
In the delerium of pain I managed to look at my phone, it was 3am. Time to wake up the parental unit and go to hospital.

I am still unsure how I managed to walk to parentals room or how I managed to then wake her up. All I am able to recall is asking her to drive me to the hospital.

The next four hours were a blur or lights, pain and then morphine.

Morphine. The opiate given to people to numb their pain.
Morphine. The opiate given to me under the premise of it numbing my pain, only to have it cause an exruciating amount of additional pain. My scalp was on fire. My torso was being stabbed repeatedly until I mercifully passed out from the pain.

By 7am I was disharged from hospital. The doctor on duty who treated me explained that due to not having an infection in my gallbladder he could only administer pain relief procedures. I will have to continue to wait the four weeks until I can see the specialist. The treating doctor at the hospital assured me if I have another attack I can go to hospital again for pain management.

So here I am. Three days later and the merry-go-round is stationary. The pain from the stones in my gallbladder has not ceased. Now I also get to feel the effects of a bad reaction to morphine.
I could go to hospital for more pain management, however, I don't like the idea of wasting bed space.

So here I am, a patient with private health insurance, waiting over two months to see the specialist to have a pre-operation consult. Then, upon finally seeing the specialist, an appointment will be made for surgery, hopefully.

That's the physical side spoken for, but what about the emotional side?
I'm unsure whether it's just the cycle I am in or if the morphine has had more of an effect on me than just the physical pain.

The merry-go-round is stationary yet I see the world spinning past me at a furious pace. I am on the outer, untouchable, unreachable. I would sincerely like someone to reach out but I do not know how to accept it when someone does.
I would like to yell out for help, advice and human contact. I know I can't because it would waste everyone's time.

At some point I know I want to get off this ride. I just don't know how.