I Need A Break

I have been out of hospital for less than a week and I already feel as though I should be back in there. I can't really put my finger on why I feel this way.

I suppose it could be my extreme exhaustion? Or possibly my lack of hope and belief in myself and my situation. Whatever the reason, I feel like a stranger in my own life.

Partly, I feel extremely neglected by those here, in Canberra. I realise this is my own fault as only I can reach out and ask for time to hang out or go for coffee. I suppose I still have this stupid idea that those who know me will just appear and whisk me away! I know right, stupid!
For one thing I'm such a recluse I probably wouldn't open the door. That's mostly due to my lack of personal grooming lately. (By "personal grooming" I mean showering and getting dressed into something other than pj's).

Yep, it's been nearly a week since my last shower. I don't need to shower when there is no one to look good for. It's too cold for one thing. Another thing is a severe lack of care. I honestly don't care anymore. That's the part where it's obvious I'm not better.

It truly amazes me how the psychiatrist and nurses at the hospital thought I was better. The psychiatrist even went so far as to suggest there was a fundamental shift in the way I was thinking. She was happy that I'd made "progress" and was taking my discharge (from hospital) into my own hands. All I can do when I think of this is roll my eyes in absolute frustration.
These people are only interested in statistics and numbers. It is even more clear to me now as I reflect on my time there. They truly didn't care that I was lying to them. I'm not better, not even a little bit.

So why lie if you're not better? You see, my psychiatrist in hospital made it very clear that I would only be staying for two weeks. Basically I knew my time was up and I don't have the determination or energy to fight to stay longer. It was easier, and apparently exactly what they wanted, for me to just leave. I aim to please.

It's now four days later and I'm struggling with everything. In fact I'm so bad I am desperate to find anything to distract me from the tumultuous battlefield that is my head. Today alone I think I've managed to test no less than 20 games from the iTunes app store. So far I haven't found one to keep me entertained.

Basically, I'm at a loss as to what I'm meant to be doing. How exactly am I meant to be coping? Why must this particular journey be so devestatingly hard?

Whatever the answers are I doubt they'll actually be of use to me. I fear I can't comprehend those answers in my current state anyway. So where does that leave me now?