I Don't Want To Conform.

This week has been one of dramatic lows. Perhaps my lowest point this week has been the realisation that I must censor myself. I have had little events happen on Facebook, Twitter and my blog. All in the space of a few days. So I've now, after lots of thought, decided I will conform albeit kicking and screaming.

In the space of a few days I've discovered something I've always known, yet have tried hard to ignore. People simply don't want to hear about the bad stuff. Whether this stuff is communicated verbally or on an online medium, it simply doesn't matter. No one wants to know.

In part I'm not really surprised by this epiphany. Another part of me is hurt that the people I place my trust in, well, simply don't care. Oh yes, I completely realise it is my fault for continually making the same mistakes and continually allowing the wrong people into my life. No matter how hard I try I can't bring myself to blame (fully or partially) anyone else.

While I can't promise to write sickeningly happy blogs, tweets or facebook status messages, I can promise to censor them. This means I'll take out the swearing, anything regarding death, most things about my mental health and anything that is viewed as overly negative.
This should now appease everyone and make following me more delightful.

Of course, this censorship is more than likely going to be the death of all things Raznay. No, that's not said to incite guilt. Stop looking at me like that. It wasn't meant to make you feel guilty. I'm just stating the facts. I use these mediums to expel all the negativity I amass. Without these avenues I doubt I shall use the mediums.

The idea of censorship is akin to muzzling a dog, in my head. It is as if some fundamental part of my being has been stripped away. Not to mention the urge I have to rebel against this decision. Fear not, I won't rebel. The kind of rebellion required would require far more energy than I have.

It's funny, you know, I never imagined in my life I would have anything to say that would ultimately end in my censorship. Perhaps it was progress? Not even two years ago I would have kept everything inside, not being honest with my thoughts and feelings. Somewhere along the line I was honest, I did talk. Now I will go backwards, or is this reverse forwards?, and remain quiet.

I used to think I was nothing but a conformist, spineless lacky. Now I realise that is what I have become.